Tables Are For Glasses. Not For Asses.

I’m not sure if my hair was bigger than usual last week but there was something about me that was attracting straight up weirdness to happen.

Last Monday I was sitting in a classroom studying (which really just means watching Netflix with a book in my lap and a highlighter in my hand) when all of the sudden I hear the door open and this couple walks-no, stumbles inside WITH THEIR TONGUES DOWN EACH OTHERS THROATS.

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Literally what happened. Except it wasn’t two men…

There they were, fumbling with the door knob trying to get it open and then clumsily walking into the room while knocking over the phone mounted on the wall and brushing up against the various posters that were unsuccessfully persuading me to get a PhD, while I was sitting in a corner watching Vampire Diaries.

I was hoping that maybe one of them would notice me sitting at my laptop with my cardiac diseases textbook on my lap and my cat sweater that says, “What do you call a pile of cats? A meowontain” on it and my mouth wide open in surprise and disgust, but they never did.

So, I found myself sitting in the corner of the room having no idea what to do in this situation.

Do I interrupt your fornication session? Would that be weird? But it would be weirder if I just sat here and did nothing and pretended that I didn’t exist. But what on earth would I say if I interrupted you? Do I say excuse me? Pardon me? What the hell are you doing? Can you please suck face in another room? Tables are for glasses, not for asses?

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Amidst me thinking through all of my options, things had apparently sped up much faster than I would imagine is an appropriate speed to go at during one of these events because the guys hand proceeded to go up the girls shirt and I could see her red bra starting to poke through from under her white cardigan.

At this point I decided that it really didn’t matter what I said to them because I did not want to see any nipples today other than mine (that is a sentence I never thought I would write) so, I did the first thing I thought of and I coughed. I felt that this would have been  the best thing to do, except I was getting extremely grossed out and uncomfortable at this point and the cough came out more like a really weird hiccup noise but it still did the job. I’ve never seen two white people get so red so fast in my life. It was like they got an instant sunburn. Alas, they had finally noticed me.

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Me and you both, Scott.

I think the guy was in shock and was so embarrassed that he didn’t even notice that his hand was still on her boob and the girl decided she was super uncomfortable with him giving her a mammary exam all of the sudden and threw his hand off her chest and pulled her shirt back down at an olympic record speed.

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Maybe I should have just done this?

The guy proceeded to tell me that he had no idea that anyone else was in here and that he was really sorry and blah blah blah. I politely nodded as I felt my face turning red from trying not to laugh and I told him it was no big deal, but maybe next time they should check if someone is in a room before they decide to…make out in it. The girl ruffled her hair and straightened out her bright red bra as the guy did up his belt (which I had no idea had come undone and I immediately became so much more thankful that I decided to let out my hiccup cough) and they left the room with their heads hung low. After they left I proceeded to call my boyfriend and tell him what happened and then continued to indulge myself in the addicting hobby of filling my mind with extremely hot men playing vampires but all I could think about was who wears a red bra with a white shirt?

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4 thoughts on “Tables Are For Glasses. Not For Asses.

  1. This is incredible. It’s like a scene right out of a sitcom. Your life is an actual sitcom, and that couple snogging are the main characters with oodles of romantic tension, and you got to be the quiet background character that hilariously catches them when they finally give in to their unbridled hormones.

    I’m sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of bad TV.

    Like

    • You’re right. My life is a sitcom except without the benefit of getting paid for people watching my hilarious excuse of an existence. I just attract constant stupidity and embarrassment which makes for great blog content. There’s no possible way you’ve watched more trash television that I have in the past month since I finished 3 seasons of vampire diaries in 4 weeks….and now that I think about it, I’m surprised these things can even happen to me since it seems like I don’t leave my computer much.

      Liked by 1 person

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