“Ma’am, I’m wearing a name tag.” And Other Phrases That Will Get You Fired

I’m not sure not sure what it is about Christmas that makes people so insane, but it’s really getting tiring to deal with. I mostly feel this way because I work in retail and talk to grumpy customers all day who say “Where are your winter tires?” and then proceed get mad and call me a number of colourful names when I tell them that we in fact, do not sell winter tires because I work in a grocery store.

Yesterday I had a woman get mad at me because she wanted me to cook her a chicken (I fry chicken and cook food a living. One time someone commented on my blog and told me I was the “Queen of Fried Chicken”and I’ve started using that as my official job title and put it on my resume so, shout out to the blogger who made my job title much more amazing,) but she didn’t want me to cook it with the skin on it which I then proceeded to tell her that it’s quite difficult to peel the skin off a raw chicken, but after it was cooked I would peel it off for her. But that wasn’t acceptable and I was “not providing service to a loyal customer” so she asked me what my name was so she could report me to the manager. I looked at her as I pointed to my chest where my name tag was and said, “Ma’am, I’m wearing a name tag.” The customer didn’t find it very funny but my coworkers did.

peterkemp-chicken-queen.jpg

This is an actual picture of me at work, I promise. 

So yes, the holidays make people kind of insane which makes it really difficult to fry chicken with a smile on my face and not give customers attitude and potentially get fired (because I totally could have been fired for that, although it would have been 100% worth losing my job over) and even animals are no exception to the crazy. I was on YouTube watching cat videos (don’t you dare judge me, people do this all the time) when all these “Cat gets stuck in christmas tree” and “Waffles the Cat explores tree. Knocks it onto baby.” and “Cat won’t leave tree because he gets high off of pine scent”, videos came up and I realized that humans are so insane around the holidays because their cats are driving them crazy by ruining all their expensive decorations.

Just watch this and tell me you wouldn’t want to go and yell at the ‘Queen of Fried Chicken’ after all that?

I did manage to find videos of the Christmas trees seeking revenge on cats and scaring them in return for ripping out their branches and knocking off all the wonderfully overpriced ornaments and I realized that the solution to all my grumpy customer problems would be to offer each angry customer a free singing tree to permanently scar their cat from jumping at their christmas tree.

No insane kitties = No ruined christmas trees = No crazy customers = I won’t get fired and will remain the Queen of Fried Chicken (which could be a good or bad thing because I don’t really want to be the Queen of Fried Chicken forever. I know, how shocking.)

Although, singing christmas trees are a tad bit expensive to be giving away for free (and are quite creepy and look like a prickly, mossy, pine scented, Sorting Hat from Harry Potter) we can always give customers free wrapping paper so people can just wrap their cats in Christmas paper and leave them under the tree until Christmas is over, like this guy did. The cat gets to whiff in pine scent all day while the humans don’t have to pick up the tree and redecorate it three times a day and they don’t come in and yell at me for not selling winter tires in a store that sells food. It’s a win-win-win situation.

Your cat will also look 300x cuter with a bow on its head, guaranteed.

But, Danielle, don’t YOU own a cat? Why aren’t YOU acting crazy?

Ha. Haha. You poor child. You must not have met me.

I am ALWAYS crazy when I’m out in public. Not “mean to shop workers” crazy…but just normal crazy and my cat is deathly afraid of my christmas tree so he doesn’t bother with it. THANK GOD for that because I still live with my mom and she buys all these expensive ornaments from Pier One Imports or Winners or some other “Mom” store that sells overly priced, glittery objects that smell like perfume and if my cat so much as breaths on one, he will be turned into soup. And maybe a nice pillow covering. Or a new tree skirt for the tree. One of those three anyways.

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