This morning I awoke to the news that my neighbours to the south had made the decision to vote Mr. Donald Trump as their president *slow claps*.
My Facebook feed is FILLED with American cries for help and “I’m moving to Canada” posts. At first I thought it was a joke and I’m like OKAYYYYY you all SAY you’re going to move here but can you really leave behind Target, Krispy Cream donuts, warm weather, cheap groceries and the imperial system just to get away from Donald Trump… 100% yes you’ll leave that behind because you crashed the Canadian immigration website.
Not that I really blame you all for wanting to come here, in fact I think it would be quite nice to have some American blood in this vast frozen land. So I thought while you’re waiting for the Canadian immigration website to come back online I will give you some basic tips about Canada! How exciting!
Things are expensive in Canada because our dollar pales in comparison to yours, we measure the temperate in celsius, our weight in kilograms, our height in meters and centimetres and our speed in kilometres- along with literally every other country in the world because everyone else jumped on the metric wagon except America. We also have several Canadian department stores like Canadian tire (yes, seriously), shoppers drug mart, Roots clothing store, and Tim Hortons is basically our Dunkin Donuts- and we spell doughnuts how it should be spelled- DONUTS. We also spell colour and favourite with a U, pronounce ‘Z’ as ZED and not ZEE and have the Queen on all our money since we haven’t really separated from Mother England yet. We also have a PRIME MINISTER and not a President. Our current prime minister, Justin Trudeau, is actually pretty rad and surprisingly young and handsome and he speaks french fluently (which is our second language- Alors, apprenez du français!). Google translate will be your best friend, as it is mine.
But don’t keep your hopes up ladies, he’s married to the most beautiful woman in the world.
Canada also accepts 30% of immigrants that apply because we have so much land and only have a population of 36 million people and we can’t sustain our population on our own. Which is a good thing for you, because if you have a degree, a family and a job, you’ll most likely be let in.
Also, don’t pet the polar bears, moose are real (and they’re also very violet), we have a real deer infestation going on in Ontario right now (deer are everywhere and they run out in the middle of the road and cause car accidents), Canadian Geese are evil (as I’ve already written about), the Beaver is our national animal, Tim Hortons is life but don’t order the hot chocolate cause it sucks, we still continue to go to work and drive in 5 feet of snow (so if you’re from Florida- good luck with that), guns are illegal to have unless you have a license for one (which is hard to get by the way) and our health care is 100% free, so feel free to bang your head against the wall as much as you want since Trump won, because your concussion will be 100% free to be treated.
Yeap, my country is pretty awesome and it feels extra awesome to be Canadian today since we have Daddy Trudeau while you have this…
But we already knew it was awesome here. We were just waiting on you guys to realize it.