Celery Tastes Exactly Like Dirty Dish Water If You Added String To It

There are a few facts of life that humanity collectively agrees with which are that British accents are amazing, spiders are nasty and that celery is the most disgusting vegetable on the plant.

I could write a book (more like a large series consisting of 20 or more books) just on the amount of stupid things I’ve decided to do in my life. I’ve stuck my finger in electrical sockets, ridden my bike (that had no brakes) down a large hill, I’ve touched a heated element on the stove “just to see what would happen”, I rode my toboggan (which is a Canadian word for sled) into a fence and I peed in the middle of a drug store floor (which you already know about) and my most recent stupidity involves me going on the “celery diet” without ever trying a piece of celery before in my life.


The Office literally has a gif for A-N-Y-THING.

Now why on earth would you start a celery diet?” You might be thinking, well fun fact: celery has negative calories! You burn more calories chewing and digesting a stick of celery than it actually contains. You could literally starve to death by eating just celery.

So, as you can see this is a genius diet plan for idiotic people like myself who want to lose weight fast while still continuing with their 6 hours a day on their computer. I’m convinced that this diet would most likely have failed me like all the other diets I’ve been on but I’ll never know because after I took one bite of a celery stick, I realized I could not even start this diet.

Celery tastes exactly like dirty dish water if you added string to it. It is the most disgusting piece of nastiness that I’ve ever had in my mouth. People suggest the celery diet just so the grocery stores can laugh at you while making money because anyone who buys a package of celery would return two. 


I stand corrected, this is about the only thing celery is good for

I don’t understand why grocery stores even sell packages of celery because who buys a whole package of celery AND HONESTLY EATS ALL OF IT? No one. And if anyone ever tells you that they ate a whole package of celery you should immediately stop being friends with them because they’re a liar.  Stores should just sell celery by individual sticks because 95% of the celery in packages gets throw away. The only thing celery is good for is keeping the vegetable dip company while all the rest of the vegetables get eaten.


So, after I realized that I couldn’t handle eating something that tasted like dirty dish water for a week (shocker), I went to go and return the celery and when I went to go and take it out of the fridge, I FOUND HALF A CHOCOLATE BUNNY THAT NO ONE HAD EATEN SINCE EASTER. 14610568_10209879250510673_1142985670_n

*Side note* I would also like to point out that this drawer says “Fresh-lok Meat Keeper” and literally anything else besides meat is in here. It’s not because I don’t eat me (because let me tell you, I appreciate some good fried chicken every now and then) but simply because I cannot be bothered to organize my fridge. I also hate how they spelt “lock” as “lok”. It seriously pisses me off when companies spell things wrong on purpose…almost as much as celery pisses me off.


It’s clear that me and celery were never going to work out, but it managed to lead me to a forgotten stash of chocolate that I may or may not have eaten while writing this… so I guess celery has kind of redeemed itself. HAHAHA. ha. I couldn’t even write that with a straight face. Celery will never redeem itself, even if it leads me to chocolate.



2 thoughts on “Celery Tastes Exactly Like Dirty Dish Water If You Added String To It

  1. Just to make celery even worse … turns out that whole “negative calories” thing is a myth. Celery totes has calories, like anything else. I suspect this myth was started by celery farmers, but how the hell else could they convince anyone to buy that horrible stuff?


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