Air Fresheners Don’t Mask the Smell of Pee. I Would Know.

Every child has a pee story. And by pee story you know perfectly well what I mean. Those stories of when you peed your pants, and if you were anything like me, they were in public.

Growing up I lived in a small town called Paris in Ontario  with a population of about 8000 in the early 2000’s. There was a small selection of places to shop in Paris, there wasn’t a Walmart (yes… seriously) and no shopping malls so with the limited selection of places to go, Shoppers Drug Mart was the closest place to go for your daily dose of human interaction and Advil, which my mom probably needed a lot of with me. Shoppers is basically the Canadian version of CVS or Walgreens, at least I’ve been told so because I’ve never actually been in a CVS or a Walgreens considering I live in Canada and I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to the states,

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Shoppers is so Canadian that even Drake worked there

so I’m relying on other people to tell me what Shoppers Drug mart is similar to so my American audience can actually relate to what I’m writing and not just stare at this page trying to picture what the hell Shoppers Drug Mart is and feeling like an idiot because they don’t know. Although there literally is “Drug Mart” in the title and you’d have to be pretty vapid not to know what the title “Drug Mart” is implying.

My mom had taken myself and my younger brother to shoppers drug mart probably to pick up some Advil from the massive headaches we gave her because my brother and I weren’t exactly peaches to be looking after.

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What we probably would have been like if we were literal peaches

We were probably more like sour, rotten peaches, the ones nobody really wants to buy or just buys them because they’re 50 percent off and they’re just going to turn them into jam anyways.

I had this awful habit of not telling my mom I had to pee before I left the house which wasn’t much different than 90 percent of children, and of course by the time we reached wherever we were going, I would have to pee. Really, really badly.  This was how the Shoppers Drug Mart Pee Catastrophe of 2004 happened. 

I had told my mom I really had to pee when we got up to the cash register to pay which of course caused my mom to roll her eyes, sigh and give me the “mom death look” (we all know what that looks like).

“I told you to pee before we left the house!” She had told me, which I then replied with a lie and said,

“But I didnt have to go then.”

My mom had asked the teenage cashier with pink hair and more facial piercings than I had freckles on my body if I could use their bathroom and She. Said. No.

I felt like I was going to explode pee. I couldn’t hold it anymore so I did the most logical thing that I could think of and sat down on the rug in front of the cash register and peed. Yup, just like a dog marking its territory in front of another dog I was a child deprived of the right to use a washroom so I peed on her rug. Which she would later need to clean up. It was like me giving the pink haired cashier the child version of the middle finger.

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I probably did this too

I remember very distinctly that there was an elderly couple in line behind us that totally saw me pee in the middle of the rug and started laughing which I completely ignored. Surprisingly my mom never noticed I did it, at least until we went to get into our minivan and I decided to walk into the minivan backwards so she wouldn’t notice that the back of my pants were wet with urine but she sure as hell noticed me waking backwards and questioned why exactly I wasn’t walking like a normal human being which I then replied with “Im pretending to be a crab. They walk backwards.”g1352407623941050468

She grabbed my arm and dug her long, acrylic nails into my skin which forced me to turn around and she then realized that the Shoppers Drug Mart Pee Catastrophe of 2004 had happened. I remember my mom making me sit on a plastic bag on the way home, probably so my pee wouldn’t seep into the seats of the car but that didn’t do much because the smell of urine still overpowered our “new car” scented air freshener which was more of a rearview mirror decoration than something thats single purpose was to keep the air non smelly. I remember crying on the way home, not because I embarrassed myself in public by peeing on a rug but because it was halloween in a few days and my mom told me I couldn’t help decorate the house for halloween anymore since I peed my pants.185431e816a225b6a7e64f5b7e9626e996df56033ca90d8dcf387f50befe6442

The lesson I learned from this was don’t pee your pants in public not because it’s unsanitary and gross and an overall bad experience for everyone involved but because you wont be able to put fake spider webs on your plants and hang up an electronic witch that cackles and cast fake spells on people.

Lesson learned, mom. Lesson learned.

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