Your Stomach is Exactly like Your Drunk Best Friend

One time when I was 7 I knocked my brothers front tooth out with a pillow. No seriously, I just hit him in the face with this massive bean bag pillow (that was truthfully more like the size of a small child than an actual pillow) and he fell backwards and hit the back of his head on our air hockey table. You’d think that hitting your head on an air hockey table would I don’t know… make your head hurt? Nope, not for my brother. He wacked his head on the side of the air hockey table and his front tooth literally flew out of his mouth and landed on the pillow that I hit him in the face with. We both looked at the tooth, and then back at each other and literally stood there in silence for a solid 20 seconds which totally freaked my mom out because 20 seconds of silence in a house with 2 children under the wisdom-tooth-not-that-wiseage of 8 is NEVER a good thing. I feel like there’s an unspoken rule between siblings where you have to be the  first child to tell the parent when something bad happens because you’ll get a WAY less severe punishment so naturally I grabbed my brothers broken tooth off the pillow as fast as I could, pushed him to the ground again, ran up two flights of stairs to the bathroom where my mom was taking a bath and screamed,

 

“MOOOOoooooommmmMMMMM, RYAN BROKE HIS FRONT TOOTH OFF!”

“WHAT?!” My mom sounded horrified but that quickly subsided into an exhausted sigh because she couldn’t even take a 20 minute bath without her children braking the furniture or their teeth. Needless to say my 5 year old brother didn’t have to go through the time consuming process of waiting for his front tooth to fall out[1] because I did it for him. Of course he couldn’t have just had the tooth knocked out of him, “end of story, grow a new one” kinda thing because the tooth broke off which apparently is not the same as it falling out and ended up in him needing to have a root canal which is a very invasive and highly expensive procedure. Two weeks later my dad drove my brother and I to the dentist where they had to put my brother out and extract the rest of the tooth from his skull which was kinda cool but incredibly boring for me because I had to sit in the

01_britney_justin

Literally the most 2000’s photo I’ve ever seen. What a terrible decade.

waiting room with my dad looking at water stained magazines that I was “too young to read or understand” but I read and looked at the pictures anyways. I still remember Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake where on the front cover wearing outfits that were made entirely out of denim. The 2000’s were a weird decade. The whole procedure took about an hour which in 8-year-old time is actually about 10 hours. My dad carried my brother into the back of the car and then tied a garbage bag around his neck, not in a “I’m going to strangle you” way but more like “I want to make sure you throw up into this bag and not in my car” way. We drove back to the house and he didn’t throw up the whole way home which apparently was surprising since the sedative medication they use makes 9/10 patients vomit. I guess you could say my brother had a strong stomach but weak hungry-stometeeth which biologically makes no sense since your teeth are one of the hardest, most dense substances in your body while your stomach is literally a hollow sac that relies on your ribs to protect it and actually eats it’s own lining every 30 days so your body constantly has to regenerate a new stomach lining[2] so that you don’t die. The human body is a weird thing which is exactly why I’m spending thousands of dollars and 3 years studying it. At least I’m logical sometimes. A few months later I lost both my front teeth at the same time which made me look like a skinny jack-o-lantern with an afro (clearly I was in a rush to hit puberty and boy was it good to me THANK. GOD.) which I was convinced was karma for knocking my brothers front tooth out. I was mostly just upset because it was summer time which is PRIME TIME for corn on the cob and it was a9dquite humorous for my parents to watch their sorry excuse of a daughter try and eat corn on the cob without any front teeth.

 

*Authors note: Where are you going with this?

I don’t really know where I was going with this considering I don’t really have a process for writing, I usually just start typing and see where it leads but I guess the moral of the story is don’t hit your little brother in the face with a child size pillow because he might have to get a root canal and it’ll be a really boring and painful process for all parties involved. Your welcome.

 

[1] How weird is it that our teeth fall out as children? Like what would aliens say if they came here and saw these tiny humans who shed bones out of their faces for the first 11 years of their life? No wonder aliens haven’t visited us yet. Humans are weird, especially miniature ones.

[2] Your stomach actually starts to eat itself and other organs if you don’t eat for a few days which is pretty selfish and kinda stupid since the stomach is literally going to eat the organs and the being that could provide food to it but is going to ruin any chance it has of getting food by eating itself. The stomach is like the slow, drunk friend that you need to repeatedly tell not to fight the bouncer at the bar.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s