The words “Mental Illness” used to scare me. Nobody ever talked to me about it. I guess it was just never a conversation that came up at the dinner table which was very odd considering half of my family suffers some kind of mental illness so when my hair started to fall out, I started to have migraines and nose bleeds, my back started aching and I couldn’t fall asleep at night, I started to panic a little. Nothing was wrong with me- at least from my blood test’s point of view.
“You’re completely fine” my doctor had told me, which was total crap because obviously I wasn’t fine. It wasn’t until 2 months later that I decided to talk to another professional about what exactly was going on. I like labels and I needed one put on me so I guess it was a good day when they said “you’re fine… but you have chronic anxiety and panic disorder”. Disorder. The word cut through me like a knife cuts through butter. It came as a shock to me in the beginning and I really did feel like I had a serious illness for the first time in my life but as time went on I just simply learned to live with it. I started to notice some odd things about myself that I never used to do before like my schedule needed to be colour coded or I would look at it and feel overwhelmed, I always had to wear the same shoes when I was driving or I would feel like I had no control over my car and I would panic and I had weird thoughts while trying to fall asleep at night. I started to keep a journal of all the thoughts I had thought about while trying to fall asleep so I could show my doctor and several other people and prove to them that there was definitely something wrong with me and I am NOT fine. The entry’s were actually quite comical and made me laugh hysterically so I thought it would be funny for other people (and random strangers on the internet ’cause why not?) to read about the thoughts that keep me up at night. Your welcome. Here are some of the actual thoughts that I had when I couldn’t fall asleep at night:
“Why are pineapples called pineapples in english when in every other language they’re called ananas?”
“Why is the plural word for moose also moose but the plural form of goose is geese… shouldn’t two moose be called meese? ”
“Why is it that we park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?”
“Is there any country in the world where no means yes and yes means no? I should google that later.. “(I never did).1
“Why does the pulmonary vein carry oxygen rich blood when every other vein in the body carries oxygen poor blood… shouldn’t it be called the pulmonary artery?” (I’m studying cardiovascular technology so this one can be explained….sort of).
“How long would it take Rapunzel to brush her hair if she was a real person? Would she even be able to do anything? She would literally spend her whole day brushing her hair. If I knew her, I would tell her to get a hair cut and stop being lazy.”
“Why causes cats to purr? It sounds like 2 little marbles rubbing together in their throats but I know that cant be right because that would totally kill them… but cats have nine lives so would it actually kill them? I should google that later…” (I never did).2
“Was Prince Charming’s name actually Prince Charming or was that just a nic-name? Because how much of a total loser do you sound like when you tell people “my names Charming”? I should really google this later.” ( I did actually google this one and his real name is legitimately Prince Charming…how creative).
“Do people actually understand me when I’m being sarcastic because 99% of my humour is sarcasm and if people don’t get it they totallllllyyyyy think I’m rude. But maybe I am being rude??? I should just stop talking to people completely and avoid this whole issue.”
“Whatever happened to the other members of NSYNC? The only one people actually remember is Justin which really isn’t fair considering Joey was my favourite one.”
“Will Ryan Seacrest still have a job when American Idol ends? Does he even do anything other than host shows? Wow I wish I had his job.”3
*To any future employer who’s background checking me, I’m totally not insane because most of my questions are entirely educational and I’m pretty sure mentally healthy people have asked themselves these same questions at one point in time. I’m also clearly an expert at Google but I can’t put that on my resume so now you know.
1.I did actually google this and found out that in Bulgaria a head shake “no” actually means “yes”. I can now go to Bulgaria and not humiliate myself.
2. I actually googled this one too and apparently nobody knows biologically how a cat purrs, they only know why they purr. Cats are a mystery.
3.Apparently Ryan Seacrest hosts ‘The American Top 40’ and is also a producer for multiple T.V shows so yes, he will still have a job. Also he’s 41???? He looks amazing for 41. He was also born on Christmas Eve. Poor Ryan, he probably gets Christmas and birthday “combined” presents which totally sucks.
So in conclusion anxiety sucks, and the added symptom of insomnia makes it worse but it makes for hilarious blog content and that’s alright with me. There isn’t a cure for mental illness so I might as well learn to have a sense of humour about it.